As 2009 draws to a close I decided I'd better sneak in one more blog post. The new year is a traditional time to set resolutions for yourself and it can also be a good time to set resolutions for your relationship. Here are some tips for keeping, or making, your relationship a healthy one in the new year:
1. Communication - this is key to any successful relationship. Without communication your relationship cannot evolve and flourish. Communication is impportant not only during the difficult times but also during the happy times. Tell your spouse or significant other when you have had a bad day but also give them a call if something exciting just happened.
2. Compromise - another biggie. We all have to give and take. There are going to be times when one party feels they are giving more than another, and vice versa. If my husband is especially stressed at work one week, then I make sure to pitch in extra around the house to make his life a bit easier where I can, and you can be sure he does the same when I have a lot going on. By compromising with our significant other we go straight into the next tip below which is.....
3. Learning to let things go - we must learn to let things go in life. Studies have shown that when we hold onto grudges it can lead to high blood pressure and heart problems. Need another reason not to hang onto grudges? It isn't good for your relationship either. When an issue comes up, face it head on and discuss it and then let it go.
4. Have common interests - remember why you fell in love in the first place. What things do you enjoy doing together? What activities and interests do you share? If you can't remember, then explore new ones together. Take a cooking class or a salsa class to spice up your relationship.
5. Spending time apart and have separate interests - yes, yes, I know I just said find common interests, but you should also have separate interests. It is a healthy balance in a relationship. You don't have to give up an interest just because your spouse or partner doesn't enjoy it.
6. Develop a strong support system - this can look different for every relationship. Some have a strong family they can lean on while others depend on their friends for support. Whatever your support system is, just make sure it is a strong one that you can depend on. We all need people to call when we need a break from our kids or just need to talk. Also, try to surround yourself with other people who are in healthy relationships.
7. Sharing responsibilities - divide up your responsibilities so one of you doesn't feel overwhelmed. I hate yard work so my husband takes care of our yard and I handle most of the laundry. By dividing up the workload you can get things done twice as fast so you can then go on to do something more enjoyable together.
8. Laughter - never under estimate the power of laughter. Enough said.
9. Devoting time to your relationship - work, kids, extended family obligations, these things can all get in the way of taking some time for just the two of you. Call on your support system to watch the kids for the weekend and go on a getaway. Many parents often tell me they feel too guilty leaving their kids for the weekend to spend it with their spouse, but I challenge them to look at it in a new way. When you take a break from your everyday obligations and focus on your marriage you are showing your kids that your marriage/relationship is important and worthy of some time. You also then return to your kids refreshed and ready to go.
A last bit of knowledge to bring in 2010 with: "laugh a little bit, love a little bit and learn a little bit everyday." I wish you all a happy and healthy new year.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
5 Helpful Tips When Adjusting to Change
It's human nature, we don't like change. We like to get into our patterns and find a comfortable routine. However, in life, change is inevitable. Even positive changes can be difficult because it is still an adjustment and you have to learn a new pattern to your daily life. Learning to cope effectively with change is an important skill to attain and will help you throughout life, whether it is a big change such as parenthood or a small change such as moving to a new home.
1. Identify supportive people in your life. Having a solid support system in your life will help ease the change. Try to find people who love you and will help you look at the positive side of change, even when it can be difficult. Try to not isolate yourself. Often when we are going through a difficult time we shy away from other people and find ourselves isolated and depressed. Reach out to the people in your life that you feel most comfortable with and that you know will be supportive.
2. Recall past coping skills. When you are in the middle of an adjustment think back to other changes in your life and try to recall what coping skills you used and put them into play. Often times we forget that we are capable human beings and by recalling past events we find strength in ourselves.
3. Maintain some normalcy. While there is change going on try to maintain some normal patterns. For instance, new parents often feel that their world is turned upside down and there is no way to hold onto any part of their "pre parenthood" life. You may not be able to have normal sleep patterns with a newborn, but maintain healthy eating habits or set aside time for your regular exercise pattern. Often this means reaching out to your support group as mentioned up above.
4. Don't stifle your emotions. Don't stuff your emotions during a time of change, allow yourself to experience the variety of emotions you are likely to experience during a time of change. I don't mean to allow yourself to wallow in these emotions, but allow yourself to express them. Who doesn't feel better after a good cry? Or a great laughing session with a friend? Get those emotions out there!
5. Embrace the change. Eventually the adjustment to the change will get easier and new patterns will develop. Accepting the change can create a more positive attitude within yourself and help ease the transition. Change is difficult and we all handle change differently. Try some of the tips above and see how they work for you. Reach out to those around you but if you need further assistance or think talking to a professional therapist would help please feel free to contact me.
1. Identify supportive people in your life. Having a solid support system in your life will help ease the change. Try to find people who love you and will help you look at the positive side of change, even when it can be difficult. Try to not isolate yourself. Often when we are going through a difficult time we shy away from other people and find ourselves isolated and depressed. Reach out to the people in your life that you feel most comfortable with and that you know will be supportive.
2. Recall past coping skills. When you are in the middle of an adjustment think back to other changes in your life and try to recall what coping skills you used and put them into play. Often times we forget that we are capable human beings and by recalling past events we find strength in ourselves.
3. Maintain some normalcy. While there is change going on try to maintain some normal patterns. For instance, new parents often feel that their world is turned upside down and there is no way to hold onto any part of their "pre parenthood" life. You may not be able to have normal sleep patterns with a newborn, but maintain healthy eating habits or set aside time for your regular exercise pattern. Often this means reaching out to your support group as mentioned up above.
4. Don't stifle your emotions. Don't stuff your emotions during a time of change, allow yourself to experience the variety of emotions you are likely to experience during a time of change. I don't mean to allow yourself to wallow in these emotions, but allow yourself to express them. Who doesn't feel better after a good cry? Or a great laughing session with a friend? Get those emotions out there!
5. Embrace the change. Eventually the adjustment to the change will get easier and new patterns will develop. Accepting the change can create a more positive attitude within yourself and help ease the transition. Change is difficult and we all handle change differently. Try some of the tips above and see how they work for you. Reach out to those around you but if you need further assistance or think talking to a professional therapist would help please feel free to contact me.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Grief and Loss
Everyone will experience grief and loss in their life in many different ways. When people think of grief and loss they often immediately think of a death, but that is just one form of grief or loss. Other forms can be a divorce, loss of job, loss of a home, a child moving away from home, or changing your role in life (for example going from a single, carefree individual to a single parent).
The Kubler-Ross grief cycle is a well known theory about the grieving process. Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified seven stages people cycle through when confronted with grief. The stages are :
1. Shock - this occurs with the initial news of loss.
2. Denial - trying or refusing to acknowledge the inevitable facts of loss.
3. Anger - outpouring of emotions, even if anger is not directed at a reasonable object/person.
4. Bargaining - seeking for a way out of the situation, even though this is not possible.
5. Depression - realization that there is no way out or to change what has been done.
6. Testing - development of realistic solutions.
7. Acceptance - accepting the loss and learning how to move forward.
While these seven phases are listed from one to seven, this does not mean that people will not move back and forth between them before completing the final phase of acceptance. Someone may move onto testing and suddenly be back at anger. Also, each phase looks different for each person. While one individual may experience a lot of depression or anger, another may move quickly through this phase.
Another common problem with the above cycle is that people can get stuck on one phase and not know how to move forward to the next. They may become stuck on the anger phase and have this anger consume them to the point they can never move onto the depression or acceptance phase. It is more difficult to get stuck in active states than in passivity, and getting stuck in depression is perhaps the most common ailment.
When grief and loss enters into your life it is important to remember that everyone copes in a different manner. One person may find support groups or therapy helpful, while another does not. I often see couples become frustrated with each other because they feel the other is not grieving in the way the other thinks they should. Remember that everyone takes a different approach to grief and this results in how they have coped (be it effectively or ineffectively) in the past. However, if someone is coping in a manner that is not safe or is severely impairing their life then encourage them to seek help and identify support people in their life.
The Kubler-Ross grief cycle is a well known theory about the grieving process. Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified seven stages people cycle through when confronted with grief. The stages are :
1. Shock - this occurs with the initial news of loss.
2. Denial - trying or refusing to acknowledge the inevitable facts of loss.
3. Anger - outpouring of emotions, even if anger is not directed at a reasonable object/person.
4. Bargaining - seeking for a way out of the situation, even though this is not possible.
5. Depression - realization that there is no way out or to change what has been done.
6. Testing - development of realistic solutions.
7. Acceptance - accepting the loss and learning how to move forward.
While these seven phases are listed from one to seven, this does not mean that people will not move back and forth between them before completing the final phase of acceptance. Someone may move onto testing and suddenly be back at anger. Also, each phase looks different for each person. While one individual may experience a lot of depression or anger, another may move quickly through this phase.
Another common problem with the above cycle is that people can get stuck on one phase and not know how to move forward to the next. They may become stuck on the anger phase and have this anger consume them to the point they can never move onto the depression or acceptance phase. It is more difficult to get stuck in active states than in passivity, and getting stuck in depression is perhaps the most common ailment.
When grief and loss enters into your life it is important to remember that everyone copes in a different manner. One person may find support groups or therapy helpful, while another does not. I often see couples become frustrated with each other because they feel the other is not grieving in the way the other thinks they should. Remember that everyone takes a different approach to grief and this results in how they have coped (be it effectively or ineffectively) in the past. However, if someone is coping in a manner that is not safe or is severely impairing their life then encourage them to seek help and identify support people in their life.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
How to Overcome Conflict Avoidance
Most people do not enjoy conflict and try their hardest to avoid it. However, conflict is a part of life and something we all face on a regular basis. Conflict can occur with people all around us in a variety of situations. Spouses, partners, co-workers, children, parents, friends - the list can go on and on. It is important to remember that you often grow from the result of conflict as it can bring about change. Learning how to confront conflict head on and handle it with ease is an important life skill.
Here are some ways to effectively confront conflict in your life:
1. Be empathetic. Try to put yourself in the shoes of the person(s) you are conflicting with. Look at it from their viewpoint and see why they are feeling the way they do. It doesn't mean you can't discuss your viewpoint and voice your opinion, but take a moment to look at the other side. Often if you look at conflict from a new view you can deflate a bit and see why the other party is upset and wanting a change.
2. Try to compromise when possible. There isn't always a win-win solution with every conflict, but compromise as much as you can when making a decision. By showing you are willing to give on certain issues shows the other party you are trying to be reasonable, and they will often follow your lead. Stating that you want to try and find a compromise can also put the other party at ease and shine a new light on the situation. For instance if you really do not want to do a certain chore around the house discuss it with your partner and discuss what chores you are willing to do.
3. Be assertive with your viewpoint, but don't over do it. Be as clear as possible about your viewpoint and clearly state your concerns. Often times I watch couples argue and one person is expecting the other to read between the lines and understand what they mean. Spell it out in a clear (and not demeaning) manner. Ask the other party if they understand what you mean or if you are making yourself clear - you may think you are being clear but they may not quite get it and need a better explanation.
4. Find an appropriate time to bring up the conflict. While having dinner at your mother's house is not a good time to ask your partner why they never communicate their feelings with you. Find a time when you and the other person(s) have time to sit down and discuss the issue without feeling pressured for time or having other uninvolved parties chime their opinions in. Dr. Christopher Deulen, a Licensed Psychologist and Inter-Personal Expert, states that people should never try to resolve a conflict when they are in what he calls “H.A.L.T.S.S.” When they are hungry, angry, lonely, tired, sad, or stressed.
5. Seek outside help. If you find yourself having the same conflict repeatedly and cannot move past it, consider getting some help. Often times working on communication with a licensed therapist or by taking a couples communication class can greatly improve a relationship. Relationships, of all kinds, take energy and time being put into them. Take a hard look at the important relationships in your life and evaluate if you need someone to help you and your partner get back on track.
Here are some ways to effectively confront conflict in your life:
1. Be empathetic. Try to put yourself in the shoes of the person(s) you are conflicting with. Look at it from their viewpoint and see why they are feeling the way they do. It doesn't mean you can't discuss your viewpoint and voice your opinion, but take a moment to look at the other side. Often if you look at conflict from a new view you can deflate a bit and see why the other party is upset and wanting a change.
2. Try to compromise when possible. There isn't always a win-win solution with every conflict, but compromise as much as you can when making a decision. By showing you are willing to give on certain issues shows the other party you are trying to be reasonable, and they will often follow your lead. Stating that you want to try and find a compromise can also put the other party at ease and shine a new light on the situation. For instance if you really do not want to do a certain chore around the house discuss it with your partner and discuss what chores you are willing to do.
3. Be assertive with your viewpoint, but don't over do it. Be as clear as possible about your viewpoint and clearly state your concerns. Often times I watch couples argue and one person is expecting the other to read between the lines and understand what they mean. Spell it out in a clear (and not demeaning) manner. Ask the other party if they understand what you mean or if you are making yourself clear - you may think you are being clear but they may not quite get it and need a better explanation.
4. Find an appropriate time to bring up the conflict. While having dinner at your mother's house is not a good time to ask your partner why they never communicate their feelings with you. Find a time when you and the other person(s) have time to sit down and discuss the issue without feeling pressured for time or having other uninvolved parties chime their opinions in. Dr. Christopher Deulen, a Licensed Psychologist and Inter-Personal Expert, states that people should never try to resolve a conflict when they are in what he calls “H.A.L.T.S.S.” When they are hungry, angry, lonely, tired, sad, or stressed.
5. Seek outside help. If you find yourself having the same conflict repeatedly and cannot move past it, consider getting some help. Often times working on communication with a licensed therapist or by taking a couples communication class can greatly improve a relationship. Relationships, of all kinds, take energy and time being put into them. Take a hard look at the important relationships in your life and evaluate if you need someone to help you and your partner get back on track.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Conflict Resolution
Ever walk away from an argument and think to yourself "if only I had said [insert your brilliant comment here] then they would have understood what I was trying to say!" Conflict is difficult, there is no denying this. It gets even more difficult when you have a strong emotional connection to the person you are conflicting with. When you are fighting with someone close to you it can consume your every thought and drain you of all emotions until it is resolved.
But how can you successful resolve conflict? Is there a right way and a wrong way to argue? below are some tips on how to handle conflict in a healthy manner:
1. Try to keep your emotions in check. I know, I know - easier said than done. I do not mean to sit up on a pedestal saying that I always calmly stated my concerns with no emotions whatsoever. I have emotions and know that it is difficult! But the calmer you stay, the more receptive the other person is to your point of view. This applies not only to your partner, but to every relationship in your life. If you walk into your boss's office yelling at him or her that you have more work than anyone else they are going to immediately have an emotional response and are likely to yell back.
Try to state your concerns and state your emotions instead of showing them. Tell your boss that you are feeling overwhelmed with all this work and are concerned about completing it on time. If you regularly get into highly emotional conflicts with your people in your life then challenge yourself to stay calm. Even if the other person is yelling at you, stay calm and in a calm voice state your concerns. If the person continues to yell, calmly ask them to lower their voice, pointing out that you are not yelling and there is no need to scream at one another while discussing the issue at hand.
2. Use "I" statements. This is something that is taught in Psych 101' so you may have heard this one before. Studies have shown that a person is much more receptive to your statement if it is presented in a manner that does not attack the other person. Examine these two statements:- "Why don't you ever pick the kids up from daycare? You expect me to do everything around here and only help out if I nag at you!"
OR
- "I feel really stressed out from work lately and could really use your help with picking the kids up from daycare. I know I usually do it, but if you could pick them up this week it would be a huge help."
The second statement was all about the feelings this person is having, there was no attack onto their partner. Also, it doesn't hurt to give specifics. Instead of just throwing out a vague sense of 'helping out' a specific directive was given of 'picking the kids up this week.' What one person thinks is helping out could be very different from what the other person was thinking.
3. Just say it! Don't stuff your comments and emotions. When you come home after a late night at the office to find dirty dishes all over the kitchen and want to say something to your partner - say it. Don't scream at him or her, but tell them how you are feeling in a calm manner. If you bite your tongue, you are likely to later find yourself bringing up dirty dishes in an argument about something totally unrelated and your partner won't know where it is coming from.
4. Stay focused about the issue at hand. As I stated above, don't bring in your partner's poor housekeeping habits into a discussion about where to spend the holidays this year. If you start bringing up past arguments or other things that have been bothering you then your partner can start to feel attacked, and then become very defensive. Also, don't take cheap shots, this is likely to make the other person shut down and shut you out. For example, if you really don't want to spend the holidays with his/her family this year then state your reasons that aren't hurtful to the other person. Such as stating "I don't want to travel this year due to the high gas prices," instead of saying "I don't like your family."
5. Move along. If your reach a resolution for the conflict at hand, drop it. Don't bring it up again the next morning or weekend. This will only create a new conflict. Instead concentrate on making up and moving on. Rehashing the argument you had with your husband the night before with your girlfriend, going into every detail, is likely to get you upset all over again and decide that your resolution wasn't good enough. If the same argument happens again, examine why the past resolution didn't work and what needs to be different this time.
If you feel there is an unusual amount of conflict in your relationship then I encourage you to seek assistance from a couple's therapist. A therapist can provide an unbiased, third party to assist you in learning additional tools to help with conflict resolution. Please feel free to contact me with any questions or comments, or if you are in the Fresno/Clovis are and are interested in therapy.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Tips for Overcoming the Blues
This past weekend as I was driving home from a quick trip to the coast I found myself dwelling on the negatives from a weekend that hadn't gone as planned. The longer I drove, the more I dwelled and feelings of negativity seemed to fill the car. I finally had a little chat with myself and decided I could either keep dwelling or do something to make me feel better - which led me to thinking about this article.
Whatever you want to call it, mild depression, a funk, the blues, being down in the dumps - we all have those days. At times getting past it can seem difficult and you aren't sure what to do to help this little episode move along so you can get back to your daily life with a healthier attitude. Here are some tips that I hope will help you.
1. Get your blood moving. Studies have shown that adrenaline helps people feel happier. Anyone who runs, swims, bikes, or plays sports can verify that after a bout of good exercise, you feel better. With exercise not only do you get that adrenaline pumping through your blood but you also often look at problems differently after exercising. Whenever I have a hard day at work I hit the running trail or take a spin class. Often times I emerge from my run much more 'zen like.' Even if you aren't into running or biking, take a walk and breath in some fresh air.
2. Journal your thoughts. I don't mean you have to keep a diary. Journaling can work for individuals in various ways. For some people it does feel good to get your thoughts out onto paper and vent. For others you can jot down positive things when you are having a good day and reflect on these positive items on days when you aren't feeling as well. In this day and age you can journal in a book or do it a bit more high tech with a blog or website. The choice is yours.
3. Get involved with an activity. Distract yourself from a problem that is really getting you down. By taking a break from thinking about the problem you often come back with a refreshed point of view and new solutions. Call a friend for coffee and catch up with their life. Bake a cake or cookies, something that requires concentration and produces a finished product you can feel good about.
4. Do a good deed. What better way to get your spirits up then by making someone else happy? Take that cake you baked and give it to your neighbor or bring in cookies for your co-workers. The smile on someone's face can make you feel good about yourself. If you want to do something more long term you could volunteer at a hospital or food bank. Meeting and helping other individuals in unfortunate situations can put some of your own problems in perspective. This is not to say that your concerns aren't important to you, but again - you may view them differently after helping out a family who recently lost their home.
5. Accomplish a task you have been putting off. Give yourself a sense of satisfaction by finally getting those plants in your garden or cleaning out the hall closet. When you are feeling upset the tendency can be to lay on the couch and cry with a sad movie, but I challenge you to accomplish a task and see how you feel after you finish your task. If after you clean out the hall closet and still feel like crying along with 'Titanic' then go for it, you deserve it after finishing your chore for the day.
Whatever you want to call it, mild depression, a funk, the blues, being down in the dumps - we all have those days. At times getting past it can seem difficult and you aren't sure what to do to help this little episode move along so you can get back to your daily life with a healthier attitude. Here are some tips that I hope will help you.
1. Get your blood moving. Studies have shown that adrenaline helps people feel happier. Anyone who runs, swims, bikes, or plays sports can verify that after a bout of good exercise, you feel better. With exercise not only do you get that adrenaline pumping through your blood but you also often look at problems differently after exercising. Whenever I have a hard day at work I hit the running trail or take a spin class. Often times I emerge from my run much more 'zen like.' Even if you aren't into running or biking, take a walk and breath in some fresh air.
2. Journal your thoughts. I don't mean you have to keep a diary. Journaling can work for individuals in various ways. For some people it does feel good to get your thoughts out onto paper and vent. For others you can jot down positive things when you are having a good day and reflect on these positive items on days when you aren't feeling as well. In this day and age you can journal in a book or do it a bit more high tech with a blog or website. The choice is yours.
3. Get involved with an activity. Distract yourself from a problem that is really getting you down. By taking a break from thinking about the problem you often come back with a refreshed point of view and new solutions. Call a friend for coffee and catch up with their life. Bake a cake or cookies, something that requires concentration and produces a finished product you can feel good about.
4. Do a good deed. What better way to get your spirits up then by making someone else happy? Take that cake you baked and give it to your neighbor or bring in cookies for your co-workers. The smile on someone's face can make you feel good about yourself. If you want to do something more long term you could volunteer at a hospital or food bank. Meeting and helping other individuals in unfortunate situations can put some of your own problems in perspective. This is not to say that your concerns aren't important to you, but again - you may view them differently after helping out a family who recently lost their home.
5. Accomplish a task you have been putting off. Give yourself a sense of satisfaction by finally getting those plants in your garden or cleaning out the hall closet. When you are feeling upset the tendency can be to lay on the couch and cry with a sad movie, but I challenge you to accomplish a task and see how you feel after you finish your task. If after you clean out the hall closet and still feel like crying along with 'Titanic' then go for it, you deserve it after finishing your chore for the day.
All of these tips may not work for you, but hopefully you are willing to try one or more of them to see how they work for you. But please note, if you notice that you feel depressed more days than you are happy, or if you continue feeling bad despite several efforts, I encourage you to seek out someone for additional help. As always, feel free to email me with comments/suggestions or questions.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
5 Commonly Asked Questions about Couple's Therapy
You aren’t sure how you got here, but here you are: at a crossroads in your relationship thinking about seeking out help from a couple’s therapist. You cannot help but wonder what it will be like and want to know before making the commitment to therapy. What can we expect? Will the therapist validate my concerns and help me express them to my partner so they can understand me? How will we set our goals as a couple?
Don’t worry, having questions is normal. Many people have no idea what to expect from therapy. Perhaps you know someone who has been in therapy, but don’t want to ask them about it. And Hollywood has shown therapy in many different lights, but like most Hollywood depictions, most of the time it is not an accurate picture. I encourage everyone to enter into therapy, of any kind, with questions and an open mind. When choosing a therapist make sure you feel comfortable around him or her so you have no hesitation in asking your questions. All therapists should also provide a safe and relaxed environment for you.
Here are the answers to 5 commonly asked questions about couple’s therapy.
1. What is the usual cost of couple’s therapy? This can vary from therapist to therapist. Fees range from $90-$150. Many therapists will work with you on a sliding scale basis, but always check to make sure they have a valid license. Some insurance companies will cover the cost, but many do not provide coverage for couple's therapy even when they cover individual therapy. Be sure to inquire with your insurance company if they cover couple's therapy, and if they do, check if there is a limit to the number of sessions they cover.
2. Is it better for the therapist to be male or female? This is a personal preference. All therapists should remain neutral despite their gender, but some couples may prefer a certain gender.
3. How long will we need to attend therapy? Again, this depends on the couple and several other factors. What issues are being brought to the table? Are both parties equally motivated to working on the issues? Some couples may require a small amount of sessions (6-10) while others may need more than this. Usually if a couple is upfront about the issues that need to be addressed with the therapist then a timeline can be established within the first few sessions, but this timeline should always remain flexible based on the couple’s needs.
4. How does couple’s therapy work? Being a therapist, I have been approached by people who tell me therapy doesn’t work. Interestingly enough, when someone says that to me and I ask if they have been to therapy usually their response is no. What a therapist provides is an unbiased, unemotional, third party point of view. A couple’s therapist is going to observe communication, ask some tough questions and help the couple set goals to move forward in a healthy, loving relationship. While working on these goals the therapist will work on teaching the couple problem solving skills as well as effective communication techniques.
5. How are our goals set? My therapeautic point of view is that the couple sets the goals. As a therapist I may help narrow down goals if they are too broad or provide input if there is a disagreement between the couple on the goals, but bottom line, it is not up to me as a therapist to decide what your relationship needs – you do. I may be the professional but you are the expert on your relationship and you know best what your needs are. I cannot stress enough how important each individual’s input is on the setting of goals, as they can make or break the future of the relationship.
I hope this information was helpful to you. Please feel free to email me with additional questions or if you are interested in starting therapy and live in the Fresno/Clovis area.
Don’t worry, having questions is normal. Many people have no idea what to expect from therapy. Perhaps you know someone who has been in therapy, but don’t want to ask them about it. And Hollywood has shown therapy in many different lights, but like most Hollywood depictions, most of the time it is not an accurate picture. I encourage everyone to enter into therapy, of any kind, with questions and an open mind. When choosing a therapist make sure you feel comfortable around him or her so you have no hesitation in asking your questions. All therapists should also provide a safe and relaxed environment for you.
Here are the answers to 5 commonly asked questions about couple’s therapy.
1. What is the usual cost of couple’s therapy? This can vary from therapist to therapist. Fees range from $90-$150. Many therapists will work with you on a sliding scale basis, but always check to make sure they have a valid license. Some insurance companies will cover the cost, but many do not provide coverage for couple's therapy even when they cover individual therapy. Be sure to inquire with your insurance company if they cover couple's therapy, and if they do, check if there is a limit to the number of sessions they cover.
2. Is it better for the therapist to be male or female? This is a personal preference. All therapists should remain neutral despite their gender, but some couples may prefer a certain gender.
3. How long will we need to attend therapy? Again, this depends on the couple and several other factors. What issues are being brought to the table? Are both parties equally motivated to working on the issues? Some couples may require a small amount of sessions (6-10) while others may need more than this. Usually if a couple is upfront about the issues that need to be addressed with the therapist then a timeline can be established within the first few sessions, but this timeline should always remain flexible based on the couple’s needs.
4. How does couple’s therapy work? Being a therapist, I have been approached by people who tell me therapy doesn’t work. Interestingly enough, when someone says that to me and I ask if they have been to therapy usually their response is no. What a therapist provides is an unbiased, unemotional, third party point of view. A couple’s therapist is going to observe communication, ask some tough questions and help the couple set goals to move forward in a healthy, loving relationship. While working on these goals the therapist will work on teaching the couple problem solving skills as well as effective communication techniques.
5. How are our goals set? My therapeautic point of view is that the couple sets the goals. As a therapist I may help narrow down goals if they are too broad or provide input if there is a disagreement between the couple on the goals, but bottom line, it is not up to me as a therapist to decide what your relationship needs – you do. I may be the professional but you are the expert on your relationship and you know best what your needs are. I cannot stress enough how important each individual’s input is on the setting of goals, as they can make or break the future of the relationship.
I hope this information was helpful to you. Please feel free to email me with additional questions or if you are interested in starting therapy and live in the Fresno/Clovis area.
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