Grief and Loss

Everyone will experience grief and loss in their life in many different ways. When people think of grief and loss they often immediately think of a death, but that is just one form of grief or loss. Other forms can be a divorce, loss of job, loss of a home, a child moving away from home, or changing your role in life (for example going from a single, carefree individual to a single parent).

The Kubler-Ross grief cycle is a well known theory about the grieving process. Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified seven stages people cycle through when confronted with grief. The stages are :

1. Shock - this occurs with the initial news of loss.

2. Denial - trying or refusing to acknowledge the inevitable facts of loss.

3. Anger - outpouring of emotions, even if anger is not directed at a reasonable object/person.

4. Bargaining - seeking for a way out of the situation, even though this is not possible.

5. Depression - realization that there is no way out or to change what has been done.

6. Testing - development of realistic solutions.

7. Acceptance - accepting the loss and learning how to move forward.

While these seven phases are listed from one to seven, this does not mean that people will not move back and forth between them before completing the final phase of acceptance. Someone may move onto testing and suddenly be back at anger. Also, each phase looks different for each person. While one individual may experience a lot of depression or anger, another may move quickly through this phase.

Another common problem with the above cycle is that people can get stuck on one phase and not know how to move forward to the next. They may become stuck on the anger phase and have this anger consume them to the point they can never move onto the depression or acceptance phase. It is more difficult to get stuck in active states than in passivity, and getting stuck in depression is perhaps the most common ailment.

When grief and loss enters into your life it is important to remember that everyone copes in a different manner. One person may find support groups or therapy helpful, while another does not. I often see couples become frustrated with each other because they feel the other is not grieving in the way the other thinks they should. Remember that everyone takes a different approach to grief and this results in how they have coped (be it effectively or ineffectively) in the past. However, if someone is coping in a manner that is not safe or is severely impairing their life then encourage them to seek help and identify support people in their life.