Tips for a Successful Marriage/Partnership

As 2009 draws to a close I decided I'd better sneak in one more blog post. The new year is a traditional time to set resolutions for yourself and it can also be a good time to set resolutions for your relationship. Here are some tips for keeping, or making, your relationship a healthy one in the new year:

1. Communication - this is key to any successful relationship. Without communication your relationship cannot evolve and flourish. Communication is impportant not only during the difficult times but also during the happy times. Tell your spouse or significant other when you have had a bad day but also give them a call if something exciting just happened.

2. Compromise - another biggie. We all have to give and take. There are going to be times when one party feels they are giving more than another, and vice versa. If my husband is especially stressed at work one week, then I make sure to pitch in extra around the house to make his life a bit easier where I can, and you can be sure he does the same when I have a lot going on. By compromising with our significant other we go straight into the next tip below which is.....

3. Learning to let things go - we must learn to let things go in life. Studies have shown that when we hold onto grudges it can lead to high blood pressure and heart problems. Need another reason not to hang onto grudges? It isn't good for your relationship either. When an issue comes up, face it head on and discuss it and then let it go.

4. Have common interests - remember why you fell in love in the first place. What things do you enjoy doing together? What activities and interests do you share? If you can't remember, then explore new ones together. Take a cooking class or a salsa class to spice up your relationship.

5. Spending time apart and have separate interests - yes, yes, I know I just said find common interests, but you should also have separate interests. It is a healthy balance in a relationship. You don't have to give up an interest just because your spouse or partner doesn't enjoy it.

6. Develop a strong support system - this can look different for every relationship. Some have a strong family they can lean on while others depend on their friends for support. Whatever your support system is, just make sure it is a strong one that you can depend on. We all need people to call when we need a break from our kids or just need to talk. Also, try to surround yourself with other people who are in healthy relationships.

7. Sharing responsibilities - divide up your responsibilities so one of you doesn't feel overwhelmed. I hate yard work so my husband takes care of our yard and I handle most of the laundry. By dividing up the workload you can get things done twice as fast so you can then go on to do something more enjoyable together.

8. Laughter - never under estimate the power of laughter. Enough said.

9. Devoting time to your relationship - work, kids, extended family obligations, these things can all get in the way of taking some time for just the two of you. Call on your support system to watch the kids for the weekend and go on a getaway. Many parents often tell me they feel too guilty leaving their kids for the weekend to spend it with their spouse, but I challenge them to look at it in a new way. When you take a break from your everyday obligations and focus on your marriage you are showing your kids that your marriage/relationship is important and worthy of some time. You also then return to your kids refreshed and ready to go.

A last bit of knowledge to bring in 2010 with: "laugh a little bit, love a little bit and learn a little bit everyday." I wish you all a happy and healthy new year.

Conflict Resolution

Ever walk away from an argument and think to yourself "if only I had said [insert your brilliant comment here] then they would have understood what I was trying to say!" Conflict is difficult, there is no denying this. It gets even more difficult when you have a strong emotional connection to the person you are conflicting with. When you are fighting with someone close to you it can consume your every thought and drain you of all emotions until it is resolved.

But how can you successful resolve conflict? Is there a right way and a wrong way to argue? below are some tips on how to handle conflict in a healthy manner:

1. Try to keep your emotions in check. I know, I know - easier said than done. I do not mean to sit up on a pedestal saying that I always calmly stated my concerns with no emotions whatsoever. I have emotions and know that it is difficult! But the calmer you stay, the more receptive the other person is to your point of view. This applies not only to your partner, but to every relationship in your life. If you walk into your boss's office yelling at him or her that you have more work than anyone else they are going to immediately have an emotional response and are likely to yell back.

Try to state your concerns and state your emotions instead of showing them. Tell your boss that you are feeling overwhelmed with all this work and are concerned about completing it on time. If you regularly get into highly emotional conflicts with your people in your life then challenge yourself to stay calm. Even if the other person is yelling at you, stay calm and in a calm voice state your concerns. If the person continues to yell, calmly ask them to lower their voice, pointing out that you are not yelling and there is no need to scream at one another while discussing the issue at hand.

2. Use "I" statements. This is something that is taught in Psych 101' so you may have heard this one before. Studies have shown that a person is much more receptive to your statement if it is presented in a manner that does not attack the other person. Examine these two statements:

- "Why don't you ever pick the kids up from daycare? You expect me to do everything around here and only help out if I nag at you!"
OR
- "I feel really stressed out from work lately and could really use your help with picking the kids up from daycare. I know I usually do it, but if you could pick them up this week it would be a huge help."

The second statement was all about the feelings this person is having, there was no attack onto their partner. Also, it doesn't hurt to give specifics. Instead of just throwing out a vague sense of 'helping out' a specific directive was given of 'picking the kids up this week.' What one person thinks is helping out could be very different from what the other person was thinking.

3. Just say it! Don't stuff your comments and emotions. When you come home after a late night at the office to find dirty dishes all over the kitchen and want to say something to your partner - say it. Don't scream at him or her, but tell them how you are feeling in a calm manner. If you bite your tongue, you are likely to later find yourself bringing up dirty dishes in an argument about something totally unrelated and your partner won't know where it is coming from.

4. Stay focused about the issue at hand. As I stated above, don't bring in your partner's poor housekeeping habits into a discussion about where to spend the holidays this year. If you start bringing up past arguments or other things that have been bothering you then your partner can start to feel attacked, and then become very defensive. Also, don't take cheap shots, this is likely to make the other person shut down and shut you out. For example, if you really don't want to spend the holidays with his/her family this year then state your reasons that aren't hurtful to the other person. Such as stating "I don't want to travel this year due to the high gas prices," instead of saying "I don't like your family."

5. Move along. If your reach a resolution for the conflict at hand, drop it. Don't bring it up again the next morning or weekend. This will only create a new conflict. Instead concentrate on making up and moving on. Rehashing the argument you had with your husband the night before with your girlfriend, going into every detail, is likely to get you upset all over again and decide that your resolution wasn't good enough. If the same argument happens again, examine why the past resolution didn't work and what needs to be different this time.


If you feel there is an unusual amount of conflict in your relationship then I encourage you to seek assistance from a couple's therapist. A therapist can provide an unbiased, third party to assist you in learning additional tools to help with conflict resolution. Please feel free to contact me with any questions or comments, or if you are in the Fresno/Clovis are and are interested in therapy.

5 Commonly Asked Questions about Couple's Therapy

You aren’t sure how you got here, but here you are: at a crossroads in your relationship thinking about seeking out help from a couple’s therapist. You cannot help but wonder what it will be like and want to know before making the commitment to therapy. What can we expect? Will the therapist validate my concerns and help me express them to my partner so they can understand me? How will we set our goals as a couple?

Don’t worry, having questions is normal. Many people have no idea what to expect from therapy. Perhaps you know someone who has been in therapy, but don’t want to ask them about it. And Hollywood has shown therapy in many different lights, but like most Hollywood depictions, most of the time it is not an accurate picture. I encourage everyone to enter into therapy, of any kind, with questions and an open mind. When choosing a therapist make sure you feel comfortable around him or her so you have no hesitation in asking your questions. All therapists should also provide a safe and relaxed environment for you.

Here are the answers to 5 commonly asked questions about couple’s therapy.

1. What is the usual cost of couple’s therapy? This can vary from therapist to therapist. Fees range from $90-$150. Many therapists will work with you on a sliding scale basis, but always check to make sure they have a valid license. Some insurance companies will cover the cost, but many do not provide coverage for couple's therapy even when they cover individual therapy. Be sure to inquire with your insurance company if they cover couple's therapy, and if they do, check if there is a limit to the number of sessions they cover.

2. Is it better for the therapist to be male or female? This is a personal preference. All therapists should remain neutral despite their gender, but some couples may prefer a certain gender.

3. How long will we need to attend therapy? Again, this depends on the couple and several other factors. What issues are being brought to the table? Are both parties equally motivated to working on the issues? Some couples may require a small amount of sessions (6-10) while others may need more than this. Usually if a couple is upfront about the issues that need to be addressed with the therapist then a timeline can be established within the first few sessions, but this timeline should always remain flexible based on the couple’s needs.

4. How does couple’s therapy work? Being a therapist, I have been approached by people who tell me therapy doesn’t work. Interestingly enough, when someone says that to me and I ask if they have been to therapy usually their response is no. What a therapist provides is an unbiased, unemotional, third party point of view. A couple’s therapist is going to observe communication, ask some tough questions and help the couple set goals to move forward in a healthy, loving relationship. While working on these goals the therapist will work on teaching the couple problem solving skills as well as effective communication techniques.

5. How are our goals set? My therapeautic point of view is that the couple sets the goals. As a therapist I may help narrow down goals if they are too broad or provide input if there is a disagreement between the couple on the goals, but bottom line, it is not up to me as a therapist to decide what your relationship needs – you do. I may be the professional but you are the expert on your relationship and you know best what your needs are. I cannot stress enough how important each individual’s input is on the setting of goals, as they can make or break the future of the relationship.


I hope this information was helpful to you. Please feel free to email me with additional questions or if you are interested in starting therapy and live in the Fresno/Clovis area.