Conflict Resolution

Ever walk away from an argument and think to yourself "if only I had said [insert your brilliant comment here] then they would have understood what I was trying to say!" Conflict is difficult, there is no denying this. It gets even more difficult when you have a strong emotional connection to the person you are conflicting with. When you are fighting with someone close to you it can consume your every thought and drain you of all emotions until it is resolved.

But how can you successful resolve conflict? Is there a right way and a wrong way to argue? below are some tips on how to handle conflict in a healthy manner:

1. Try to keep your emotions in check. I know, I know - easier said than done. I do not mean to sit up on a pedestal saying that I always calmly stated my concerns with no emotions whatsoever. I have emotions and know that it is difficult! But the calmer you stay, the more receptive the other person is to your point of view. This applies not only to your partner, but to every relationship in your life. If you walk into your boss's office yelling at him or her that you have more work than anyone else they are going to immediately have an emotional response and are likely to yell back.

Try to state your concerns and state your emotions instead of showing them. Tell your boss that you are feeling overwhelmed with all this work and are concerned about completing it on time. If you regularly get into highly emotional conflicts with your people in your life then challenge yourself to stay calm. Even if the other person is yelling at you, stay calm and in a calm voice state your concerns. If the person continues to yell, calmly ask them to lower their voice, pointing out that you are not yelling and there is no need to scream at one another while discussing the issue at hand.

2. Use "I" statements. This is something that is taught in Psych 101' so you may have heard this one before. Studies have shown that a person is much more receptive to your statement if it is presented in a manner that does not attack the other person. Examine these two statements:

- "Why don't you ever pick the kids up from daycare? You expect me to do everything around here and only help out if I nag at you!"
OR
- "I feel really stressed out from work lately and could really use your help with picking the kids up from daycare. I know I usually do it, but if you could pick them up this week it would be a huge help."

The second statement was all about the feelings this person is having, there was no attack onto their partner. Also, it doesn't hurt to give specifics. Instead of just throwing out a vague sense of 'helping out' a specific directive was given of 'picking the kids up this week.' What one person thinks is helping out could be very different from what the other person was thinking.

3. Just say it! Don't stuff your comments and emotions. When you come home after a late night at the office to find dirty dishes all over the kitchen and want to say something to your partner - say it. Don't scream at him or her, but tell them how you are feeling in a calm manner. If you bite your tongue, you are likely to later find yourself bringing up dirty dishes in an argument about something totally unrelated and your partner won't know where it is coming from.

4. Stay focused about the issue at hand. As I stated above, don't bring in your partner's poor housekeeping habits into a discussion about where to spend the holidays this year. If you start bringing up past arguments or other things that have been bothering you then your partner can start to feel attacked, and then become very defensive. Also, don't take cheap shots, this is likely to make the other person shut down and shut you out. For example, if you really don't want to spend the holidays with his/her family this year then state your reasons that aren't hurtful to the other person. Such as stating "I don't want to travel this year due to the high gas prices," instead of saying "I don't like your family."

5. Move along. If your reach a resolution for the conflict at hand, drop it. Don't bring it up again the next morning or weekend. This will only create a new conflict. Instead concentrate on making up and moving on. Rehashing the argument you had with your husband the night before with your girlfriend, going into every detail, is likely to get you upset all over again and decide that your resolution wasn't good enough. If the same argument happens again, examine why the past resolution didn't work and what needs to be different this time.


If you feel there is an unusual amount of conflict in your relationship then I encourage you to seek assistance from a couple's therapist. A therapist can provide an unbiased, third party to assist you in learning additional tools to help with conflict resolution. Please feel free to contact me with any questions or comments, or if you are in the Fresno/Clovis are and are interested in therapy.